Life et. al.

So I went up to visit some old friends in Connecticut. Between that and my aunt's funeral , I was thinking about where things fit into my life.

I have a few, very few, friends. I have quite a few acquaintences. There are about 3 people who call me to do anything, and then it usually has to be something very specific. My oldest friends, those from college, call me.... almost never. I email some of them once or twice a year. And if I don't make the effort, they don't. Yes, we've all grown up, had major life changes, moved on. But I know we're still "friends" but we're not close anymore. I don't know if that would change if I lived nearer any of them. In college I was frequently left out as well. I distinctly remember asking them to wait - for weeks, months - for me to get back from practice before heading off to dinner. They never did. All I was asking for was 30 minutes. But I wasn't worth that much to them.

I had some friends at my first job. None of them speak / email / IM me any more. We never did anything social, though. They were all set in their groups, and I was not allowed in. At my second job I made some friends. I had a lot more then than I do now, as most of them have fallen out of touch. I'll meet up with them on occasion, but not frequently. Maybe 2-3 times a year. I had one friend at my 3rd job. But then again, I was still outside that person's realm. They had events, I was not invited. Now at my 4th job, I have a couple of friends. I rarely talk to any of them outside of work. I tried to be social - I invited people to go do all sorts of things. No takers.

I am the forgotten one in my own family. Despite the fact that I live ~30 minutes from my aunt/uncle, I was never invited over. If I called, I would be invited to something, but otherwise.... never. My cousin lives ~45 minutes from me. She never calls either. When my brother is having a new kid, how do I find out about it? 3-4 weeks later when I call my parents. And then they mention something related to it and I'm left wondering WTF, until I realize its a new kid. Everyone else in the family - all the way down to distant relatives - were told, but not me. Noone thought to call me, or drop me an email, or even snail mail.

I realize that some of this is my personality. I am aloof. I tend to hold myself separate. I am am not particularly gregarious, nor am I funny. Also, some of this is just time and nature. People grow apart. People move apart. Their lives and things that are important to them change.

All this leads to what one coach told me: 'You are a very angry person.' Am I angry first and then I lose friends? Or is it the losing friends that causes me to be angry? Not to mention the external factors - I always strive to do well, and when I can't I get frustrated. As I get more frustrated, I get angry. So, how do I break the vicious cycle? I don't want to be an angry person. But I can't seem to help it.

And I go on in the world, each year fewer and fewer people would even notice if I disappeared. At some point, it will be down to DF / DH and noone else. Because, quite frankly, I don't matter.